It Has Been A Week of Downs - Seasonal Affect Disorder

Lately, I have been walloped by Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD). It started earlier this week and slammed me like a freight train. All at once, I was experiencing depression, self doubt, isolated feelings, and insecurity.  Yes, I have suffered from this for many years. Honestly, I do not remember not being effected.

This year it was different. This year it all hit me in one day! Thought I was just having a bad day. I sat in my car on my lunch break shaking and in the midst of a panic attack. No reason. Anyone who has an anxiety disorder understands there is no need for a reason.  The the "all I want to do is go to bed" feeling. At 2 O'Clock in the afternoon no less! And finally, the crying jag. What????? What is wrong with me?

I thought I was getting a cold, my migraine was bad that day, you know reasoning it away. Something WAS wrong, pain and getting sick. Nope, two days later, the feeling is still here. And I feel lonely. I am missing hubby more than usual. It is no new thing working shifts that makes seeing each other almost impossible. We have dealt with it our whole relationship. But damn I really miss that man!

I already take Paxil for anxiety. For the past year, I have taking half a dose in the morning and half at night. And it has worked beautifully. I take 2000iu of Vitamin D.  As of tomorrow, I am using UV Spectrum lights, upping my Vitamin D, and taking a full dose of my Paxil in the morning!  I will give these changes a month. If I do not feel much stronger, I will discuss with my doctor.

Some people may say, turn yourself around. Others, don't let things bother you. And still more may look at me like I am weak and displaying a weakness.  To that my reply is fuck you! I am stronger than you could ever imagine! I wake up every day and do what needs to be done no matter what.

I have survived molestation and come out stronger! I have Asperger's and believe it has given me it's best. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and persevere. I have a migraine every fucking day; and have for 16 years and I have Fibromyalgia. AND I GET THINGS DONE! And I am a giving, loving, selfless person- IN SPITE of all of this.

Do not ever think I am weak. Not for one second.  This is illness, just like everything else. And guess what? I will STILL do what needs to be done and do it damn well!

I just want to get this out there, no stigmas, no judgments.

How Do You Say Goodbye To A Childhood? Graduation Day!

Today my son graduates from High School and this Mom is having a much harder time with it than she thought she would. I mean, how do I say goodbye to the childhood and hello to adulthood for this boy?  He is my only, my baby. The baby that towers over me, sure. But, nonetheless MY baby.

Am I a helicopter Mom? Not so much anymore, but yes, I was for years. This is the child they told me I would never be able to conceive.  This is the child who has Asperger's Syndrome and went through hell to get a correct diagnosis at 8 years old.  This is the child that was bullied for years. The child that is introverted to a point that we genuinely worried. The child that spoke his first word at 5 months old, spoke complete sentences before he could walk!

How do you say goodbye to Dinosaurs, Pokemon, and bird fascinations? Goodbye to the word Mommy? Goodbye to being the one to fix things? Skinned knees? Bump on the head? Bad nightmare? It's OK, a hug a kiss and a Mom will protect you and make it go away always worked. Not so anymore!

This is my child, and I am so proud of every accomplishment he has ever made - especially when the odds were stacked against him. I am amazed every day with the young man he is!

He has learned so much in the past few years - self worth, pride, and courage. Oh the courage! Here is my child, bullied through High School, taking his Senior year at the Community College, showing up for his Graduation practice in a place where the very bullies exist- with his head held high and doing it of his own choosing!  He did not have to take part of the ceremony to get his diploma. They would have mailed it.

But he chose to attend, because he EARNED it, he DESERVES it, and those bullies have no impact on the happiness he has found.

Yes, I guess the child is mostly gone and the adult is doing a wonderful job in forming itself.

As I shed my tears tonight, they will have a dual meaning - mourning and celebration!

But, damn, I will always miss that child- even while I embrace the adult.

Why All The Anger?

                                               Photo courtesy of breathezy.com


Anyone who knows me, knows I am not an angry person. Sarcastic, jaded, optimistic, goofy, big-hearted, flighty, scattered? Sure! But Angry? Nope, not me.

So why over the past 3 days, have I felt this deep anger? I do not get it. I can speculate, but I just do not know. Is it coincidence that this feeling has escalated since my diagnosis of persistent chronic migraine? Maybe.

All I know is, I do not like this. I think I need a time out, seriously. Just some time for exploring the feelings and trying to see the root. If I cannot find that, I need to at least find my way out of this.