Thursday, November 20, 2014

It Has Been A Week of Downs - Seasonal Affect Disorder

Lately, I have been walloped by Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD). It started earlier this week and slammed me like a freight train. All at once, I was experiencing depression, self doubt, isolated feelings, and insecurity.  Yes, I have suffered from this for many years. Honestly, I do not remember not being effected.

This year it was different. This year it all hit me in one day! Thought I was just having a bad day. I sat in my car on my lunch break shaking and in the midst of a panic attack. No reason. Anyone who has an anxiety disorder understands there is no need for a reason.  The the "all I want to do is go to bed" feeling. At 2 O'Clock in the afternoon no less! And finally, the crying jag. What????? What is wrong with me?

I thought I was getting a cold, my migraine was bad that day, you know reasoning it away. Something WAS wrong, pain and getting sick. Nope, two days later, the feeling is still here. And I feel lonely. I am missing hubby more than usual. It is no new thing working shifts that makes seeing each other almost impossible. We have dealt with it our whole relationship. But damn I really miss that man!

I already take Paxil for anxiety. For the past year, I have taking half a dose in the morning and half at night. And it has worked beautifully. I take 2000iu of Vitamin D.  As of tomorrow, I am using UV Spectrum lights, upping my Vitamin D, and taking a full dose of my Paxil in the morning!  I will give these changes a month. If I do not feel much stronger, I will discuss with my doctor.

Some people may say, turn yourself around. Others, don't let things bother you. And still more may look at me like I am weak and displaying a weakness.  To that my reply is fuck you! I am stronger than you could ever imagine! I wake up every day and do what needs to be done no matter what.

I have survived molestation and come out stronger! I have Asperger's and believe it has given me it's best. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and persevere. I have a migraine every fucking day; and have for 16 years and I have Fibromyalgia. AND I GET THINGS DONE! And I am a giving, loving, selfless person- IN SPITE of all of this.

Do not ever think I am weak. Not for one second.  This is illness, just like everything else. And guess what? I will STILL do what needs to be done and do it damn well!

I just want to get this out there, no stigmas, no judgments.

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