It Has Been A Week of Downs - Seasonal Affect Disorder

Lately, I have been walloped by Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD). It started earlier this week and slammed me like a freight train. All at once, I was experiencing depression, self doubt, isolated feelings, and insecurity.  Yes, I have suffered from this for many years. Honestly, I do not remember not being effected.

This year it was different. This year it all hit me in one day! Thought I was just having a bad day. I sat in my car on my lunch break shaking and in the midst of a panic attack. No reason. Anyone who has an anxiety disorder understands there is no need for a reason.  The the "all I want to do is go to bed" feeling. At 2 O'Clock in the afternoon no less! And finally, the crying jag. What????? What is wrong with me?

I thought I was getting a cold, my migraine was bad that day, you know reasoning it away. Something WAS wrong, pain and getting sick. Nope, two days later, the feeling is still here. And I feel lonely. I am missing hubby more than usual. It is no new thing working shifts that makes seeing each other almost impossible. We have dealt with it our whole relationship. But damn I really miss that man!

I already take Paxil for anxiety. For the past year, I have taking half a dose in the morning and half at night. And it has worked beautifully. I take 2000iu of Vitamin D.  As of tomorrow, I am using UV Spectrum lights, upping my Vitamin D, and taking a full dose of my Paxil in the morning!  I will give these changes a month. If I do not feel much stronger, I will discuss with my doctor.

Some people may say, turn yourself around. Others, don't let things bother you. And still more may look at me like I am weak and displaying a weakness.  To that my reply is fuck you! I am stronger than you could ever imagine! I wake up every day and do what needs to be done no matter what.

I have survived molestation and come out stronger! I have Asperger's and believe it has given me it's best. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and persevere. I have a migraine every fucking day; and have for 16 years and I have Fibromyalgia. AND I GET THINGS DONE! And I am a giving, loving, selfless person- IN SPITE of all of this.

Do not ever think I am weak. Not for one second.  This is illness, just like everything else. And guess what? I will STILL do what needs to be done and do it damn well!

I just want to get this out there, no stigmas, no judgments.

How Do You Say Goodbye To A Childhood? Graduation Day!

Today my son graduates from High School and this Mom is having a much harder time with it than she thought she would. I mean, how do I say goodbye to the childhood and hello to adulthood for this boy?  He is my only, my baby. The baby that towers over me, sure. But, nonetheless MY baby.

Am I a helicopter Mom? Not so much anymore, but yes, I was for years. This is the child they told me I would never be able to conceive.  This is the child who has Asperger's Syndrome and went through hell to get a correct diagnosis at 8 years old.  This is the child that was bullied for years. The child that is introverted to a point that we genuinely worried. The child that spoke his first word at 5 months old, spoke complete sentences before he could walk!

How do you say goodbye to Dinosaurs, Pokemon, and bird fascinations? Goodbye to the word Mommy? Goodbye to being the one to fix things? Skinned knees? Bump on the head? Bad nightmare? It's OK, a hug a kiss and a Mom will protect you and make it go away always worked. Not so anymore!

This is my child, and I am so proud of every accomplishment he has ever made - especially when the odds were stacked against him. I am amazed every day with the young man he is!

He has learned so much in the past few years - self worth, pride, and courage. Oh the courage! Here is my child, bullied through High School, taking his Senior year at the Community College, showing up for his Graduation practice in a place where the very bullies exist- with his head held high and doing it of his own choosing!  He did not have to take part of the ceremony to get his diploma. They would have mailed it.

But he chose to attend, because he EARNED it, he DESERVES it, and those bullies have no impact on the happiness he has found.

Yes, I guess the child is mostly gone and the adult is doing a wonderful job in forming itself.

As I shed my tears tonight, they will have a dual meaning - mourning and celebration!

But, damn, I will always miss that child- even while I embrace the adult.

Autism Is..... World Autism Day and My Family

Both my son and I have Asperger's Syndrome. I thought I would share a poem he wrote in 6th grade that shows both how deep he was at a young age, and his knowledge that his Asperger's make him different.

I AM

I am an odd child whom takes interest in many things

I wonder where time originated

I hear the wind billowing through the overgrown plains of the Savannah

I see the light shining through a dark, dank forest

I want to understand the concept of life

I am an odd child whom takes interest in many things

I pretend that things always turn out right

I feel the light of inspiration overcome the abyss that is thoughtlessness

I touch ideas that have remained untouched for a long time

I worry that when death washes over us, we simply fade into oblivion

I cry, when someone dear to me passes away

I am an odd child whom takes interest in many things

I understand that true peace may never be achieved

I say that time cannot exist without space and that the same holds true for space

I dream of variation of things I've experienced

I try my hardest to never fail

I hope that I can do something with my life

I am an odd child whom takes interest in many things

                 ~Jaycen B

We do not need Awareness, we NEED Acceptance!

My son feels like a ghost in the High School he has attended for 3 years.  He is not spoken to by most unless he tries to start a conversation (Which is very difficult for many on the spectrum).  He has been bullied and the school denies it.  He has suffered major anxiety attacks within the walls of the school only.  His IEP is ignored even when I rail and fight so hard for him. 

My child who thought he was the center of the universe for so many years, is depressed, riddled with anxiety, and never told us!  His self worth is constantly challenged. This is not the happy go lucky child I had for 13 years prior.

NO MORE! He will no longer attend this school after the end of his Junior year. There is a wonderful program for non traditional learners at the local Community College, and he would also earn college credit!

And if that does not pan out, I will Home School. What I will not do is send him back into an environment which cannot accept him.

So, yeah- this is Autism in my house.